master of the game

no matter how it is done,

the outcome will be the same;

be it instilling fear upfront, or playing behind the curtains,

it doesn't matter to the master of this game.

risk never limited; 

for it gives life to the stage,

life to the puppets and dimension to this play.

don't stay.

don't love me for any reason,
don't take on my problems.
don't feel burdened to aid me.
if you want something good and precious,
don't stay, don't wait on me;
please give up on me.
it won't be good,
i'll always be like this.
depending is so hard.
this distance i'll always keep,
makes me a misfortune.
i won't be good enough for anyone,
not because i can't.

So it was Mother's Day yesterday, the first year without a nice dinner for the occasion. Bought presents and flowers for all the 'motherly-figures' in my family. Hope they liked the gifts (:

If I were to be real honest, there's actually not much work to do in school. I think the projects and homework are of appropriate amounts, it's just that I don't like to do work. ANY WORK. 

Loving Business Finance tutorials and lectures though. That's my favorite subject..

And there's been quite a lot of things going on. 

As usual, I didn't talk about it except express my feelings on twitter and in captions of the photos(like above). 

It's still difficult as ever, all the trusting/relying/loving/accepting issues. Basically things that are related to more in-depth feelings besides the basic ones(happy/sad/angry). I have minimal feelings like getting angry when I miss the bus, or happy when class ends early. Relationship-related would be close to none. Relationship as in friendship, family and well.. relationships. 

I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I stopped keeping that distance.

Even after 17 whole years of living, I have not changed. Always keeping a distance, being a bitch, trying to block people out when they got too close. And till today, I still do not know why I'm like this. It ain't rebellion, I don't want to be some gothic-emo punk who likes to be in solitude. 

It's like a defense-mechanism that I can't control and every time I'm alone thinking about it, it frustrates me.

Why is it so stressful to accept love and concern from others?

If the love is too much, it's so hard for me to breathe.

Maybe everyone's like this.

I can only play,

cause I can't handle anything more.

one day it will..

Somewhere serene,
somewhere beautiful;
somewhere in the future with you.
Something to look forward to,
the remaining years of love and joy;
that will continue on for as long,
in the light of our own.

To the future you,
all I ask for is happiness surrounding;
for there is nothing much more important than that.
In this short life,
we should be blissful;
there should be love,
and appreciation.

Just a place of our own,
just a place where the heart feels safe and warm;
just a place where a close family resides.
A place where I'm your love,
I'm the little ones' love;
Just somewhere that we can't wait to return to.
One where there's no intense ambiance,
but heartfelt sincerity and peace.

Just somewhere simpler than in movies,
but worth so much more.

Empty

Waiting all along, trickles that flows so slow and silent;
That was a long time ago,
when you slipped through the gap between my hands.
Here alone, in solitary,
I can't regret.

I didn't do it. I didn't accomplish what i set for myself. I guess i really have to put in more determination the next time. Sometimes i detest the way i'm seem so carefree and relaxed, i hate how i keep putting up this facade. I don't know what i'm trying to gain, wanting everyone to think i'm really easy-going and joyful every time cause that's not how i feel. Maybe all along, this facade was to deceive myself and to make everything easier for me. I don't like attention, i don't like sympathy or pity of any kind; i rather not have any troubles at all. Looking on the bright side, the personality that i created helps stop all hurts right at the door of my heart. Even if at times i don't like it, it still helps me get along with life.

All that aside, i have been really frustrated with my dog. He's so naughty and always bites whenever he is unhappy, and the reasons he is unhappy does not justify the biting at all. He doesn't like people to wash his face, doesn't like to get brushed and so many more things that he don't like. I get it that dogs tend to not like these kind of activities that involves grooming but is there a need to be so aggressive?! The minute he sees the comb or soap, he'll growl to no end and he'll bite till your skin breaks and sometimes, bleed. Then he'll pretend to cry and whine, & when you go to him again, he'll bite again?! OMG. So pissed at him. I think he needs a trainer but that wouldn't work too, cause he is a timid mouse with strangers. sigh.
I know all dogs can be trained to be obedient ones but he is no ordinary dog.

Have to bathe him later, good luck to me.

these won't survive

It's like i'm caught in this endless spiral.
Voluntarily or not,
It only matters a tad now;
Cause i'm about to fall
and break into a million pieces.
Then, one day, i'll be fixed again.

It's fading away, too fast for my liking.
There's so little left to grab onto.
What was once a rush, have subsided like a calm ocean after the downpour that answered my prayers.

I could lay here, and just close my eyes for awhile.
I could seek then take in all the beauty of this.
But it aches my heart.

Why did it fade away so regrettably?

wandering gypsy

like the music that caresses my thoughts;
echo my feelings then bring me to the next level.


Hurry to me, hurry and get me. Take me to all the places I've never been, let me see all the fun I've missed.
Show me all that can be, let me feel all the different emotions;
all the love, anger and passion.

Don't know if it has always been like this but i seem to not get excited when festive seasons are near.I guess it's cause my family got less and less enthusiastic or 'happening'. I used to look forward for family gatherings when i was much younger. Actually i still pretty much anticipate these gatherings but not as much as before.
Sometimes, I wish for things to go back like before, when there was lesser negative interventions.
I think that'll be pretty nice.

Recently, and by recently i mean these few months; i have been greeted by my dear enemy : insomnia. I swear that bitch is killing my brain cells. I need to get my sleep at appropriate times! For those days when i get my 'normal' sleep, it's only because i ate sleeping pills. & i hate sleeping pills! Firstly, they are toxic for your body. Secondly, they are not as available like before!
Anyway, i'm only left with ten odd of them. I kinda feel like it's war world 3 and those are my limited supply of food. Yes, it's that bad.
But i guess it's alright, i only get this problem for 3-4 months every year.
My body is weird like that.

Been having lots of project meetings and i kinda like it even though it means work have to be done. I like being with my friends and i guess doing work takes my mind off stuff.
Have also been watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s. again! I really love that show. So grateful for my sec 1 friend who introduced it to me. She's Su-May but she migrated to Indonesia. She's still there i think. HAHA. I'm not good with long distance relationships/friendships.
Came to realize that i stopped contacting many of my friends who migrated. I think i'm those kind that need to SEE my friends quite often to 'stay' with them. Hopefully, for Year 2, i'll see Molly XJ JL JH WJ RL quite often.

5 more hours of sleep left. I doubt i'll even get 5 hours.

whatever you want, whatever you need;
if you deserve it, you'll get it.

i would have given you all my love.

I carry all these bags that weigh me down,
just so i can tell you that everything is ok;
but i'm not.
I shouldn't be angry with anyone, i shouldn't be disappointed with anyone;
but you've crossed the line so bad, so far,
that now, even I have no idea where the line is.

Part of me wish that one day, no matter what you do or say or act like,
won't mean anything to me anymore.
One day, you won't make me feel anything for you,
love, hate; nothing.

We can have a superficial relationship.
ha. Who am i kidding? It was always like that.
I never had your true love.
I'm going to stop pining for anything more than this and just handle all your crap.
Maybe i can't stop loving you completely right now,
but one day, all my feelings for you will die down.
You know it will.

I'm so tired of all these, so tired of you;
but one day, i'll tell everyone 'it doesn't matter, i'm fine' and mean it.
And that would be the day,
you cease becoming someone i love.

I'll still care for you, protect you, encourage you, spend time with you,
because that's what i have to do;
but i will stop loving you.